


the end, the beginning

by sevedra



Series: Portraits of Recovery [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Drug Withdrawal, Gen, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), burning HYDRA down as therapy, burning HYDRA to the ground
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-20 16:29:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13721604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: The Winter Soldier leaves HYDRA after the Washington DC disaster.Bucky Barnes leaves HYDRA burning in his wake.





	the end, the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> bee tee dubs: titles are hard

The Winter Soldier left Captain America on the banks of the Potomac. He knew the man was familiar. He thought the man's name was Steve. Somewhere inside, he felt the stirrings of memories. Snippets of things that may or may not have happened. He could picture the man's face, but on a much smaller body. He felt the man's shoulder under his hand. He heard a voice saying, "'til the end of the line". He thought maybe it was his own voice. But it sounded lighter, less gravely. It was a deeply concerned voice, grave and serious, but not exactly the voice of The Asset. Captain America was unconscious and The Winter Soldier slipped through the trees, leaving the man behind. He was sure he'd live. He seemed as enhanced as The Asset himself.

The Asset made his way back through the city. There was chaos everywhere. He stuck to the shadows and alleyways, but there seemed little point in bothering. Emergency vehicles and frantic by-standers focused solely on the disaster the helicarriers and the fallen Triskelion left in their wake. The Asset found the hidden back entrance into the bank and made his way to the vault deep in the sublevels. There was no one guarding any of the doors or hallways. The stairwell was empty. The lights were out and he kept to the darkened corners and strutted like he had no concerns when he had to walk where there were no corners.

He'd lost every weapon he'd been sent out with. He'd lost every Strike team member. He'd lost HYDRA's transport. He was returning empty handed and alone. There were bound to be repercussions. The Asset had been in The Chair recently. Not just for arm repairs, but for the lightning that took his memories. Though he didn't precisely recall, he was pretty sure the last session had taken memories of encountering Captain America. He could remember killing Nick Fury. The mission had been successful, but he had no recollection of other parts of the day. His arm had been damaged, so he knew there had been resistance, he just had no idea who he'd been fighting. Captain America had said things today that indicated they had fought recently. Logical deduction led to memories of Captain America being removed. Would today's memories of the man be taken as well?

Once he entered the vault, where again there was no guard, he saw that the room was abandoned but for a few doctors and technicians. There were file boxes filled but not sealed. The cabinets and drawers were open and mostly cleaned out. The Chair was prominent and dark. Hulking in the center of the room, waiting for him. The Asset assessed the situation in two seconds. These low-level HYDRA agents were vacating the base. No handlers were present. Pierce was not here. The doctors and techs were leaving without permission. Rage filled The Asset. How dare these lowly minions desert their leaders? What cowards! The Asset knocked over tables and threw file boxes to the walls. He smashed chairs and light fixtures. He ripped the arms from The Chair. If no one in charge was here, then no one could force him onto The Chair. He tore the crown from its base and roared with pent-up anger finally released. The doctors and technicians hid behind toppled furniture and cried. One doctor crept out when The Asset paused in his destruction. She begged for her life. For the sake of her children, rather than for her own. He learned that HYDRA had been all but destroyed. Project Insight had failed despite The Asset's best efforts. Pierce was dead. No one was returning to base because everyone who had been sent out was presumed dead. The Asset was presumed dead.

The Asset was presumed dead. HYDRA was gone. Fallen. The Asset could leave and no one would know he was even alive. He extracted promises of silence on the subject of his survival in exchange for the lives of the people left behind. The Asset gathered as many weapons as he could carry and left HYDRA behind.

.....

The Asset spent the night in an alleyway. Being based in DC, with the vault right in town, he'd not needed a safe house in the city. He had nowhere to go. But he knew he would not be going back. He'd seen a news report through the window of a bar. HYDRA and SHIELD were wiped out. Pierce was verified dead. All of the files of HYDRA and SHIELD had been released to the public. There was chaos not only in the streets but also in the government. In the wake of all this damage, no one would think of him. Well, maybe someone would, but they would think him dead. And if they suspected he was alive, they would have no idea where or how to start searching for him. And with Pierce gone, there was no one with enough authority to actually make him come back. Without The Chair, he would have no trouble resisting handlers.

The next morning, The Asset stole clothes from a laundromat dryer. It was pure luck that there were pants and shirt that would fit well enough to pass. He snagged a ballcap from a street vendor and felt that he was disguised decently against anyone with an eye out for The Winter Soldier. He took a duffle bag from the back seat of a car outside a gym. So his tac gear was available and the weapons he couldn't secret in the street clothes fit inside his bag. He lifted a few wallets as he walked the crowded sidewalk. There was enough cash to get him out of the city. He just needed a destination. But first, he needed to do some research.

He found a lot of information on Captain America on the computer in the public library. He found his own face paired with the name James Buchanan Barnes. Captain America's best friend and constant companion, his most trusted soldier. A brochure on the counter advertised a Captain America exhibit in the nearby Air and Space Museum. Captain America had not been a pilot in the war. Nor had he even been in the Air Force. The Asset saw no logical reason for the display to be in the Air and Space Museum. He made his way there anyway.

Steve Rogers had been the small man he remembered. He'd undergone an experiment to become the enhanced soldier Captain America. James Barnes wore The Asset's face. The Winter Soldier read all about Bucky and his role in the war, his friendship with Steve Rogers. His death in the Alps. He had flashes of memory while standing there. Scenes of forests and shooting other soldiers from a distance. The bitter wind and falling snow with Captain America standing at his side. Steve Roger's tiny, bloody face rigid with determination, on a dusty street against a faded brick wall. His own metal hand squeezing the life from an unknown man. An explosion on a busy street. The horrifying, unending, unbearable pain of having the stump of his arm removed with inadequate anesthesia. The Asset gasped for breath and clenched his eyes closed. He made his way out of the museum without drawing attention to himself.

.....

The Asset bought a supply of items with which to build explosives that same day. He assigned himself a mission. He left Washington on a bus and went straight to the closest HYDRA facility he could remember. The WInter Soldier may be retiring from HYDRA, but he would take the remnants of HYDRA with him as he left.

He'd slept on the bus, and the next morning he was crouching in an alley behind a dumpster. Crying. Vomiting. Shaking. He hadn't been away without handlers to administer his medications in longer than he could recall. He knew he would malfunction if he went untreated. Pierce had made it clear that his serum was unstable. It would kill him if he stayed away for long. He might die in this alley. He may not even make it to the first facility. He would fail his first self-chosen mission. He could die before he took his revenge on HYDRA. He was cold now. He'd been hot one minute ago. The tremors were so severe he was sure his teeth would shatter. 

He was afraid for the first time.

The Asset spent all day behind the dumpster. He stopped vomiting after four hours. There had been nothing to expel after the first wave. The hot and cold flashes continued through the night. The shaking never lets up. He'd been unable to sleep. He'd gone days without sleep before, but not while experiencing these symptoms. Not while fearing that he would die before ever having the chance to rest again. He almost missed the quiet peace of the cryochamber. The initial cold was unbelievably painful, but then there was a blank black nothing until he was needed again. He would nearly agree to go back under if it meant he would have that relief from the horrors he was experiencing now.

The next day, he crept out of the alley into a different one. He found a dumpster beside a restaurant and scavenged for food. He thought his belly needed filling. But he lost all of the food within fifteen minutes of consuming it. He had made sure it wasn't rotted, but the vomiting must have stopped before simply because he had nothing left inside to let outside. He spent another day and night in the shadows of a dumpster.

.....

The Asset finally stopped shaking. He was still compromised. He was nauseated and flashing from hot to cold, but his hands were steady. There was finally hope that he could reach the HYDRA base and eliminate it before he died. He built his bombs in the dirty alley. He bundled them carefully and securely in papers found in the dumpster. He put on his tac gear and secured as many weapons and as much ammo on his person as he was able. He gathered his duffle and left the alley behind. He hotwired a car from the metered parking along the street and headed out.

He tamped down the roiling in his gut and drew his first weapon before infiltrating the base. No matter how far in he crept, he encountered no one. He left explosives in key locations. Near building supports and inside rooms with computers and file cabinets. He rifled the cabinets for files with information on other base locations. He looked for files on The Winter Soldier. He found one file on himself and burned it in the middle of the floor. He couldn't take the chance it would somehow survive. 

He left the deserted building as quietly as he had come. By the time he was half a mile away in his stolen car, the fiery explosion was lighting the sky.

.....

The Asset was unable to keep food in his body for an entire week. He knew he didn't usually eat solid food, and combined with the breaking down of his body without his medications and cryo, he was completely miserable. He had worked through worse pain, but the nausea was a terrible experience. The tremors continued to resurface. He felt fortunate they were not constant. He was able to take out three more HYDRA bases within that week. He had ditched stolen cars and picked up replacements both entering and exiting every city he passed through. The hot and cold flashes were the least of his symptoms. They were easily ignored. It was nothing like completing a mission with bullet holes or broken bones.

After ten days or so, the symptoms completely ended. The Asset was confused but thankful. He had slept little while he suffered, but he had expected to never wake up every time he had finally exhausted himself enough to slip into unconsciousness.

So, he was alive. Pierce had lied that the serum would kill him.

He continued across the United States, removing HYDRA bases with prejudice. Sometimes they were manned. He killed every agent on site. He always blew the buildings themselves after searching the files for new leads. And eliminating any references to himself. he was proud of his mission.

.....

The Winter Soldier was remembering more things every day. He remembered mostly missions for HYDRA and missions during the war. Small Steve Rogers popped up from time to time, but he had a difficult time reconciling him with the larger man he fought had with during the war. He wasn't sure what war it was. He remembered several. Or he thought there were several. The locations differed vastly and sometimes there were bits of overheard conversation in different languages. Even the memories with Steve Rogers had Italian, German, French, and English in them. But Steve Rogers looked the same in them all, so The Asset believed they were all one war. There were never any jungle memories with Steve Rogers, never any sandy beaches, or hot baking deserts, but there were forests and mountains and plains and snow. The war with Steve Rogers had taken place across a large expansive area.

The mission memories from his HYDRA years came through in his dreams. Nightmares, really. He had acquired a few blank notebooks and pens along his trip across the country. He was keeping careful notes of all the events he remembered. He was disturbed sometimes by the HYDRA memories. Every single one involved killing. Bullets, garrots, bombs, the metal hand. He killed with everything he had. He killed his target every time. The blood ran without stopping. He had known he was a soldier for HYDRA. He had known that they sent him on important missions. He had known he was meant to shape history and bring about a better world. He knew his primary protocol.

He had not known he was an assassin. HYDRA had taken so many memories that he had no idea what he had actually been doing on most missions. And he remembered HYDRA from the war with Steve Rogers. When he was there, they fought against HYDRA. He did not work for HYDRA, they were the enemy. At first, this dichotomy was confusing. But he had spent time researching HYDRA in a library and he was shaken to his core by his discoveries.

HYDRA were the bad guys. He was a bad guy. He had deserted his country somehow and joined the enemy.

He had shaped history all right. He read about the results of his missions when he could remember the names and places. He had incited rebellions. He had overthrown governments. He had removed peaceful leaders and various human-rights activists. He had made the world a worse place. He had shaped history into a nightmare fueled battlefield.

He should have died when he fell in the Alps.

All he could do now was try to take out as much of HYDRA as he could.

.....

The Asset was pretty sure he was Bucky Barnes. James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky was the person he remembered being in the war with Steve Rogers. Bucky was the person he remembered being in the memories where Steve Rogers was small. The Winter Soldier worked for HYDRA. The WInter Soldier had no name, no identity, he was a ghost. But not any longer.

He was Bucky Barnes. And he needed to go to Europe to finish wiping out HYDRA.

**Author's Note:**

> is the ending too abrupt? I might can try to change it some if it reads badly. I don't know...


End file.
